woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
