So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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