He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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