I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
