Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
