really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
