I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
