i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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