I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
