Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
