I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
