nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
