So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he fucked my hip out of place.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
