i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
