Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
