my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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