Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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