im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
