I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
