There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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