I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
