Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
