he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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