Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
