I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
being pregnant is like rehab
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
