I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
