Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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