i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
