Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
