..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
