I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
