i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
