My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
