My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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