every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
