I can text with my tongue
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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