your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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