i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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