all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
