I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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