Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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