P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
