Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
