LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
