Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
