Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
