After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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