Don't make out with my wife yet
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
