Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
