your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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