I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
