just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
