i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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