so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
