It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
