This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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