I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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