Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
