I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
