i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
