i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
